Do you want to dance?

I got in an argument with my girlfriend last week, I didn’t feel like she had my back when we went out with friends. I told her it was an insecurity of mine, that I needed more support in those types of situations. But it quickly spiraled out of control, and she felt like I was blaming her. There was no resolution, so we did the cowardly thing; going to bed, hoping that time would fix the problem.

My girlfriend got in an argument with me a few days ago. She felt like nothing was ever good enough. That I didn’t appreciate and respect her. I couldn’t take it anymore so I just apologized until she stopped, which is funny, because it kinda proved her point.

The two of us got some ice cream last night. We went for a long walk and giggled at every stupid joke. It was easy and fun. She asked me why it wasn’t always this way? Why we argue so much? That’s when I realized the answer.

“Do you want to dance?” I asked.
“Sure,” she said, a little annoyed at me dodging the question.

“We’re dancing right now aren’t we? And we’re good at this dance.” I said.

I wanted mint chip ice cream but you wanted raspberry. You were set on going for a drive and I wanted to have a walk. Neither of us got our way, yet here we are, laughing and playing and enjoying the night. See, we’re dancing to the rhythm of a song we know well.

Last week wasn’t an argument, it was just a type of dance I’m not very good at. You were moving through that crowd of people, jumping in and out of conversations. I was stumbling over my own two legs, getting more frustrated with every new step. You were more skilled at that dance. Then I got angry, and we both did that thing that makes dance impossible, thinking about where our feet should be, instead of feeling the movements of our partner.

A few days ago it was my turn, I was at my club, listening to my music. Instead of trying to ease you into this new style, I forced you to keep up. Forgetting that you were moving to a song you weren’t familiar with. I should have been patient, but instead got annoyed.

It’s just dancing. We call it argument and conflict, but it’s not really anything more than missing a step, and not being able to feel the beat.

Remembered when we tried hip hop? At first you got mad at me. Then me mad at you! Then we gave in to the music and did everything right! I listened to you, you listened to me, leading and following, and soon we discovered that we absolutely hated dancing to hip hop. That’s okay too, that’s life, we can’t be good at every dance. Sometimes we just have to learn to let it go. Hell, I don’t care how many soy tae’s or plea ay’s I try, I will never look as good as you do at ballet. Go off with your friends for that one, and I’ll go off with mine for tango. Let’s meet back at home, and get a little swing in before we go to bed. That dance we both love.

It’s scary to ask someone to dance, you never know how they will react. They might reject you, or they might give you their hand. Then it gets even worse. You don’t always know how good your partner is or if they even like the song. You might need to ease their anger into comfort, or they might have to guide your frustration with a reassuring smile.

Dancing is rough. Just like arguments. But I think all these conflicts are just dances we’re not very good at. Next time I need to talk, I’m gonna ask you to dance instead.

I don’t know how it’s going to go, but maybe you can teach me a new song, or help me with a new move. I’m gonna make a lot of mistakes, I’m gonna get frustrated, angry, ashamed, and embarrassed. But one day, that new move might finally click, and when we do it right, we won’t even know we’re doing it at all.